Lesson 34: Questioning happiness

For those of you who do not know, a “monkey wrench” or a “spanner in the works” is something that prevents your original plans from succeeding.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have identified myself as a self-serving monkey wrench

Whenever a happy moment appears at my doorstep, I begin to tear it to shreds to find its true ulterior motive – to find the fine print to this happiness. Why is this happy moment here and not on someone else’s doorstep and more importantly, what did I do to deserve this?

Something must be fishy.

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For the past few months, I have come face-to-face with many happy packages and initially, my reaction is speechless with an overwhelming sense of joy and awe. However, once I start to really think about this happy bundle of joy, I start to question its authenticity.

Thankfully, I have people around me who have the patience to deal with my never ending questioning but more importantly, I have people who identify my stupidity.

It took me a great deal of writing, kicking rocks and staring out into Dawson Creek inspired windows to understand why I was doing, what I was doing.

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When my siblings and I were younger, we had to question acts of generosity in an attempt to survive. This wasn’t due to bad parenting techniques but rather living in a climate where “bad things happened”.

Ever since then, I guess I never really understood that I was still doing it because I still lived in a place where “bad things happened”. If bad things continued to happen then life felt normal but when I became happy and free, I felt a growing sense of uneasiness and general confusion↓.

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I don’t get it, why are you smiling at me?

I decided a few weeks ago (literally a few) to stop questioning random acts of kindness, random sweet gestures and happy moments. It’s made me more approachable, I’ve laughed constantly with the people I love and I feel more comfortable day-to-day.

Accepting happiness is underrated and needs more limelight

It isn’t the easiest thing I’ve had to do but it certainly isn’t the hardest. Being inquisitive, being curious or even questioning the world around you isn’t bad but try and remember that too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

Before the New Year, what are you looking to change?

Over and out.

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